I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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