dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
