There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
