I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
