I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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