Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
