Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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