my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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