I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
