Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So vagazzling was a success
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
