I want to walk on stilts...naked
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
