watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
