friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
