Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
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