Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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