I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's the barista slut.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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