only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
