Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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