3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
