you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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