My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
