The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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