he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Still dying that you shit outside
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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