I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
