the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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