remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
