plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
