I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
