Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize