I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
