yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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