Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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