Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
