Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
