when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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