My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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