i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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