Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
