I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He? As in you personified your dick?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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