all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
