2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
