I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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