On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
