its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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