Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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