He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
