She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize