I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
