just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
