she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
the liver wants what the liver wants
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
