The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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