yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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