I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
