Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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