took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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