there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
