Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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