I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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