i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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